anyways, there's not much to say. actually, scratch that, now i'm remembering everything that;s been bugging me.
sunday morning, sue told me something and i still don't know how i feel about this. i don't know whether i'm shocked or upset or... expected it. apparently the guy i had a crush on (had or have? i don't even know anymore) is hooking up with another guy we kinda know. i'm shocked because i just never thought that would happen. not him. it just didn't seem like something he'd do. but i feel like i kinda expected it because people used to ask me if he was gay and i told them about how he had confessed to me about having a crush on a girl we work with, so no, he's not gay. but now this happens... it's not like i'm against it or anything, i just want him to be happy... but i wish it weren't so. i guess i still wish he liked me. so that means i do still have a crush on him. greeeeeat.
almost, my roommates. the only disadvantage to going home every weekend is that i feel like an outsider with them. i came back last night and they all had their mattresses out in the common area, watching tv. there was no room for my mattress to join them, nor did they say "oh, megan you can sqeeze in here", so i settled on the couch behind them and tried to involve myself in their conversation (which was mostly about the weekend so i was left out no matter what). also, they're all so scared to go out on their own. it bothers me a lot. jen was thinking of not going home this weekend because she was afraid to use amtrak on her own. i told her i show her where everything is and she says she'll go now. i just find it silly. i didn't have anybody show me how to use it the first time. whatever.
this is relative in my mind... my mom still doesn't see all the differences between the way she's treated my brother and me. i absolutely hate how she favors him, and made sure he had a great senior year. mine sucked: my grandfather with alzheimer's was living with us. he lived in our living room so i couldn't have friends over late at night, i couldn't watch the tv shows i wanted to watch because the whole family was sharing one, smaller tv in another room. mom was also uptight and ready to scream at me for something because her dad was stressing her out. oh and let's not forget the fact that i did have a car (as of that january), but was i allowed to use it?! noooo, not until march, when senior year was practically over. my brother had a car in september. he had it the entire year. and even though mom always complained about having to drive me everywhere, she still wouldn't let me drive my car. and now, she still drives pat to his lessons sometimes so he can rest for a little while. i'm pretty sure my dancing all night is more strenous than his hour lessons. geez. and then, for his final senior concert, in which he has a solo (one of many, i might add), she makes me go with her the week before to purchase a brand new dvd camcorder to record the special moment. makes me charge is and figure it out for her and everything, even has the nerve to ask me to tape it for her. meanwhile, for my senior concert, in which i had my first solo since elementary school, she doesn't even bother to try to tape it. thanks mom. oh and she allowed him to cut senior cut day. i got in trouble for doing that. at prom she made me follow him around and take pictures. i don't even think he went to the grange to see me before prom. she also made me help decorate his car for graduation. she didn't even bother trying to do that for me.
there's just all these things she's letting him do differently, without all the restrictions i had. don't even get me started on how kerri's allowed in his room with the door closed when i couldn't even have my boyfriend in my room with the door open! it just really pisses me off and everytime i try to bring it up she doesn't see where i'm coming from. says i'm being jealous and spoiled. jealous... most definitely! spoiled ...obviously not, look at your son. and then she tried to make it all better by saying she sent grandpa to that nursing home in syracuse so he wouldn't ruin prom and graduation. which is certainly true, things would have been a lot worse if he had been there for that. but that doesn't make up for everything else she didn differently. every other inequality.
i'm getting even more upset writing about all this stuff again. time to chill out and then go to bed.